Who am I?

That's a question that often pops into my head - and I never truly have any clear answer that can put an end to it. I know myself pretty well actually, I'm not some girl that changes her style very other week because I cannot decide what I want to look like (I simply just pick out what I like and what's comfortable, don't really care about "style", I am my own style) - that's not the problem here.

No - the problem is my life. It's a little messy and has got it's flaws an all (like everybody elses) and that's how it's supposted to be when you're sixteen, right? 

The problem with my life, however, is that I don't know what to do with it! I know I'm incredibly lucky to be born in Norway and all that, and as Tolkien said so awesomely; "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that's given to us" - and that bugs me like crazy! ' Cause I cannot decide, Tolkien! I just can't! (Don't get me wrong here; LOVE Tolkien, the man was a genius of his own kind) He's so right, so so so so horribly right, and it stresses me, to know that for every day, every hour, minute - even second, I lurk closer to no longer having the time to decide weather I wanna be this or that - I'm terribly afraid of that moment, when I simply have to choose. 

I picture myself, at my own graduation, listening to teachers' speeches about how life got to move on, and how we'll find ourselves and live happy and have nice jobs and so on and so on; I picture myself, sitting there, my heart skipping beats every other second, my throat all lumpy and my knees shaky. Because all I will be able to think of, in that very moment, is what a failure I will become if I cannot decide - right there and then. And I won't be able. I will just give up, choose something I'm not even sure I want to do, and then work as it for the rest of my life; misserable and unhappy. 

And that won't only affect me; i know that if I'm not happy with myself and what I do, I become all grumpy and really hard to deal with - and if was to be like that, for the rest of my life, I'm pretty sure my boyfriend would grow tired of me, though he loves me so so much, after some time, anybody would've given up on me. Anybody.

The reason why I cannot decide? I have simply too many interests and things I like and stuff I'm good at - or talents if you wanna call it that (some more than others of course....just realised that sounds preeetty douchey...); I simply have too many posibilities. I wish I had some sort of fairy god mother or a little daimond on my shoulder (like in the golden compass) that could help me. I believe mine would've been an owl or something - a small one  like a pearl owl - sitting there half alseep at daytime, partly hiding underneeth my hair and whispering wise words and advices in my ear. (My right ear, since I write with my left hand, I wouldn't have wanted my cute, little owl to be crushed between my shoulder and my head when I lean down to write something.)

I'm going to give you guys some examples; I would've LOVED to be a musician (singer & songwriter, in a band, something like that) but I just can't choose that path - 'cause what if I don't make it? What if I make it and regret it? What about my private life? (not that I care too much about that though) and what about the private life of my loved ones?...I wish I had a magic mirror that could've showed me what my life would've been like, if I was to be a musician - that would've been awesome! Without something like that, I'll never know what's waiting for me, and that's kind of scary. I wish for that magic mirror more than anything else right now...and a hug - I need a hug too.

I guess the future will show, and in a year or two I sure hope I've made up my mind, but who knows? Maybe I'll all of a sudden just get some sort of sign - perhaps already next week - and then I'll just know - now THAT would've been awesome!